The Pursuit of Happiness

A YouTube video changed how I think about happiness — and gave me a grounding question I now return to again and again.

I’ve been wondering how to write this so I can aptly capture how life changing a YouTube video was for me. Click here to watch it first.

Basically, this video outlines the pillars of happiness:

1. Happiness =/= pleasure
2. Moderation is key
3. Virtue = Happiness

Of the three, the first hit me like a lightning bolt. For months I’ve been trying to “get back to being myself” “find happiness” and generally been obsessed with all things pain-avoidance or, at least, minimise discomfort. In my mind, pain means there’s something wrong. Something needs to be fixed. So everyday, I found myself doing a body scan and emotion charting just to figure out how I could get rid of the dis-ease and pain I felt.

I don’t recall a time when life was easy for any extended period of time. So how did I make a goal out being pain-free? I’m lost. All I know is, that video made me sit and think about how I’ve characterised certain experiences.

As I watched that video, something changed in me. I asked myself if happiness was really everything one encounters on a chosen path. Thus, unhappiness is a result of being on a path not of one’s choosing. If that definition holds true, then even when I was struggling to get my footing, when life was lifeing, when I was overwhelmed with responsibilities… I was happy?

I grappled with this new definition of happiness for a few days. Turning it over in my mind. Examining it for delusions. The more I sat with it, the more it resonated with me.

Since then, the question I ask myself when I’m having difficulty coping with the demands of parenting, responsibilities and fickleness of life generally, is “Are you on a path of your choosing?”. If the answer is yes, I comfort myself and keep walking. If I need to rest, I rest, but always on that chosen path.

I’ve whittled my chosen paths to family, vulnerability and curiosity. If I’m in avoidance/overwhelmed I tell myself “Zainab, look down”. Since I came up with this grounding phrase while thinking about the yellow brick road in The Wizard of Oz, the follow-up to the directive to look down is “what colour is the path you’re on?”. If its “yellow” then I have to sit with the hard parts and let them pass while not leaving the “yellow” path.

Reminding myself that as long as I’m on my carefully chosen path, I have to accept all parts of the journey, be it difficult emotions, seasons of waiting or trials of faith, has been so relieving. I’m divorced from the expectation of a specific outcome; I rate myself based on how hard I tried, and if I honestly gave it my best, I just shrug and accept that the outcome I desired wasn’t meant to be. Yet. Or, maybe, ever.